Limits is Love
Love is to set limits for yourself, but also for others. To show love is not to force yourself to “put up with something”, that makes you feel not alive, not positive, not enthusiastic.
Of course there will always be moments, between two people, when it does not feel particularly positive or enthusiastic, but still there is the will to want to understand and to want to be understood. If that kind of love is not there, because for instance it feels like there “is no point”, because it is not possible to continue further in a conflict or disagreement, there can still be a feeling of wanting to stay in that relation.
The question then is if the conflict or disagreement creates a too great distance between the two, for them to profit by remaining in the relation or if it is more beneficial development for both to continue their separate ways.
it is for instance a great difference between having a conflict with your teenage-daughter, because she is living a destructive life, or with your partner, for he/she is living destructively. The first one is build on the parent-role, that is founded on the effort of remaining in the relation, and the other on a partner-role, that is build on a mutual give and take.
In a partner-relationship it is important to demand a responsibility, when it comes to mutual giving and taking. In a parent-role it is not possible to demand the same, even if this of course changes the older the child gets.
You know when the feeling of mutual responsibility in a partner-relationship is not there anymore, because you can see it in the feeling of not being seen or heard, appreciated or taken care of when it comes to feelings of love and respect. But, understand us, the love is not over just because there is a separation. Love to human kind embraces of course also your ex.partner.
What happens, is that the relation in the partnership is finished, which can be painful because that which has been “we” is then “you and me”. The content in the relationship is transformed, but the quality in the love needs not to be changed. It is possible to still love someone, but not “be there” anymore, not see that person anymore, not be intimate anymore.
But still there is love, love for oneself, to want to treat oneself in the most loving way - that is, finish a relationship where feelings like care and respect has diminished or even disappeared. And still there is love to the other person. It is not loving to stay in a relationship, that is not considered to be a relationship by one or both.
Nobody should stay in a relationship (of any kind) that is mostly experienced as full of conflicts or even soul-diminishing. When less of your soul and your heart is involved, and only the physical body remains.
The greatest gesture of love is to let go, to let someone leave or leave the relationship yourself.
Nick Fewings, Unsplash